Diary of a Mad Spaniard

I was skating up the street past a local corner store…

when a girl walking down the street doubled over in pain.

She was gasping for air, and staggered into the store.

I skated another 10 feet before my brain caught up with my soul.

I went inside the place, and found her up against a wall, unable to catch her breath.

The lone employee of the store could not figure out what to do; he seemed in shock. I decided, it was clearly up to me, so i went over and asked her if she was having an asthma attack. She nodded. he started to go for a phone. I stopped him. I asked her, “Do you want him to call 911?” She frantically shook her head, and gasped out, “I’ll go to jail.”

I’m being overly verbose. She asked for water, and we got her some. She then collapsed to the floor, and i crouched down across from her right in the entryway to this store.

Families filed in. Their children would gawk and laugh, and the parents did nothing or simply would hush them while averting their own eyes. She took my hands and i gripped them tightly(she was almost crushing mine). I helped her focus on her breathing and to relax. I kept reassuring her that she would be ok, and that she was doing well. She asked me not to leave, and I promised I wouldn’t until she “gave me the go-ahead.”

We did this 1-2-3 count which reminded me of a certain pregnancy someone I knew went through. I breathed as she wanted to: deeply, slowly, fully. Eye-to-eye we breathed in unison. As we did that, her gasping slowly lessened, and she looked more and more relaxed. My whole body was going numb from all the oxygen.

She was so strong. I can’t even imagine what it would be like to will your way through an asthma attack. Once she could, she kept thanking me, and I assured her none was necessary.

Eventually, after about 10-15 minutes, she was able to recover. We were both numb and/or tingly everywhere from hyperventilating ourselves. She introduced herself to me, and I introduced myself. She thanked me some more and gave me a hug. I explained that I was just glad I was able to help. Her cell phone rang, and she told someone where she was. She told me about the awful day of drama she had been having at the beach briefly before we decided to change the subject to help her stay calm. After a few more minutes, her friend arrived, and together the exited the store.

I can’t get over the fact that it all happened. I’m so glad I happened to skate by, and that I didn’t just keep going. There was no one else. Things worked out though, and that’s what matters the most.

My sister just asked me if i have a fat dick…

Apparently it is a family trait.

I’m dying laughing.

My siblings are hilarious.

Now i know why my mother dated my father when he’s such an asshole.

This is so awkward and amusing.

the road goes ever on and on…

i have moved.

i left the city behind and am living out in the hills of new hampshire. There is a river in my backyard and a wolf-dog at my side.

I will be making boots in a factory, Kamik boots to be specific.

I’m living out here with what might as well be my brother, and his father: an old, retired, 1%er.

We have plans, and big ones. I’m the only person here who does not have a motorcycle and that must change. We have plans for the yard and all this land. We’re planting a garden to grow our own produce, as well as building a coop to house the chickens we will be getting in a couple of weeks. We are also getting bunnies(for eating, not as pets. BOTH as far as i’m concerned. sorry, vegans)

There are two dozen or so blackberry bushes growing wild in the yard here and we are taking care of them so we can harvest as many as we can to use in jellies, jams, and pies. the ridgeline behind the house is covered in trees with a hill leading up to a cemetary. all those trees are on our property, and they are primarily sugar maple, so we are gonna be tapping them. there is enough water under the property for a well to be viable, so we will be digging one of those as well.

This is only the beginning.

I begin the next chapter in my life, and it came on so suddenly i feel as though i may wake at any moment.

It has been far too long coming, and the winds of change called to me and the stars aligned and suddenly this is all possible.

I will miss Vermont and everyone there who i care for. I will miss Lake Champlain and Church Street and going to shows. I willingly, and with utter joy trade all of that which is there for the simplicity of these forested mountains. I will become friends with the stars at night, and the trees in the forest.

I feel more at home than i have in a long, long time.

Peace lies here, in the shire.

i haven’t had weed of my own in a week and a half.

i’m so fucking sick of having to hang around until someone else wants to smoke.

i’m so fucking sick of not having money.

I’m so fucking sick of being the only motivated person here.

I come all the way to this state to do all of these things and all you fucking people do here is sit around all day watching foxnews and smoking weed and doing pills.

The garden goes ignored, the bamboo retake the blackberry plants, and you just sit on the computer looking at personals sites.

There are no answers on the internet. It won’t fix the problems, it will make them worse. The problem is creativity: you have none, and all the internet will do is give you an endless stream of distraction from ever having to grow as a person and realize it is up to you to make your life happen. 

I could never tell you this. Like most people I have met, if I point out the things that you are doing to hold yourself back, you will simply get angry at me or start pointing out all of my flaws as “defense.” I know my flaws. I came here to change. I came here to be around people who are the way i want to live. I was wrong. You are just like everyone else: Lost. 

I can’t even go do anything by myself because none of this is mine and i don’t know where anything is kept or how to do most of these things. We were supposed to be doing this together. Instead, we do nothing but sit in front of fucking electronic boxes until our eyes bleed or we are so bored we fall asleep. This is not life. This is death.

This Shire is no more. Saruman has come and brought the stain of technology.

i literally just vomited up blood.

it has had blood strewn in it before, but this was different: red and full, dark and painful. it feels as though i am filled with fire.

my insides have been on fire all night.

i really don’t know how much longer i have.

• i’m on drugs.
• i can’t wait to go back to vermont.
• ok, i can, but i am really looking forward to it.
• i won’t even be staying forever, but i miss my city by the lake.
• getting my surgery
• finally
• pumped to get better
• once i am, i am free
• moreso than i ever have been, for now when unchained, i will have the appreciation for the freedom i went without for years.
• i feel such optimism for the future.
• i can’t wait to be recovered, and to be able to bike every day again
• i can’t wait to be recovered and wake up feeling rested, not in pain
• i can’t wait to be recovered
• i want to heal
• i need to heal
• it has been a very long time

now i slumber

and then: work tonight

then no more work!

then back to vermont!

then surgery!

then out of vermont to: everywhere/anywhere/nowhere in particular.

healthy times and distant horizons linger in my mind. i feel the wind calling. i will answer it soon.

i feel like i couldn’t give fuzz away except to a home where i KNEW she would be ok, and remain ok.

taking her to the humane society would destroy me.

sometimes when i play guitar,

i stop thinking, and music pours directly from some point inside of me through my fingers as though i were possessed, but then i trip over the strings and i get too excited, and it all goes away. The moment i reach divinity, the sheer gravity of such a thing(coupled with my just not being comfortable enough on the guitar yet) pulls me back down.

it is so encouraging though. i never feel anything like i do when i play music. it touches something deep inside of me that nothing else can touch. even when i’munhappy, it fills me with joy. the only word that comes to mind that could even come close to capturing the utter intensity of such a thing is: love.

i don’t just love music.

music is love.

jill, i’m gonna be there in 5 more days

wtf?!?!?!?!?!!?

<3

moving out of the motel

in a couple weeks: VERMONT!

i’ll probably get over it in a few minutes and feel better or something

but goddammit i hate everything right now.